Longings and Loathings - Chapter 12

She felt herself hit the ground hard, she tried to stand but she was quickly overpowered by her attackers.
She felt the moment her skirt was violently ripped apart and the weight over her sore legs.
Her knees burned from the injuries caused by the several falls from her attempts of escape. Sweat prickled all over her skin and glued her thin shirt to her body.
She felt the burning tears escape from her eyes but held any sound possible, any sign of her pain only made them laugh harder, hit her body harder and be even more exquisite on the tortures they decided to inflict.

Her panties followed the skirt, making her groan from its ripping. She prepared herself to become numb, to hide somehow inside her own mind and be absent from what she knew was sure to follow.
She heard them argue about who would be the first and waited.

One of them pushed two fingers inside her vagina and said something that caused the other to laugh, but she no longer heard the words, she was slowly evading, going to a place where no one could hurt her but then she felt the grip on her long hair and sting of pain it caused, making her unable to hold a sound of pain to escape her throat.

It was their go sign...

They repositioned themselves and while one stood over her preparing to enter her from behind, the other moved to stand in front of her. The smell of dirty cock and urine caused her to gag provoking only more enjoyment to her attackers.

"Eat it bitch. If you bite it, I'll kill you."

She opened her mouth and tried to hold the gagging effect the smell provoked her while he shoved his cock down her throat. She barely moved, simply held her mouth open and tried to control her breathing. He thrusted and thrusted while tears kept running down her face.
The other attacker didn't take long to want his share and forced himself inside her ass with a violence she was sure something must have ripped inside of her.

All she felt now was pain, shame and hate.

It was the hate that kept her awake, that kept her enduring the violation of her body and the small hope and desire of revenge if it was ever in her reach in the future, if she survived, if she was still able to pick out the pieces of her that were being torn, if she ever was able to become herself once again.

Bits and Pieces - Sleeping lines

Lines...
I can't stop staring at the lines, your lines...
Your peaceful lines of your sleeping expression.
The sound of your steady breathing hypnotizes me...

I can't help but stare, I hold myself from giving in to the desire of touching you, afraid of disturbing your sleep.

I feel so powerless, so addicted to simply sitting by your side and hearing you breathing, just staring at your lines...

Sometimes I feel like I am not here, that I'm just a silent ghost watching you, hoping one day you will sit and stare at me, just stay there hearing me breathing while I sleep... Just as I do.

Maybe I am just crazy, insane, for feeling the way that I do...
But all I know is that now all I want is to watch you, watch your lines and simply hear you breathe next to me.

Longings and Loathings - Chapter 11

Apetece-me despir-te cada peça de roupa num deslizar suave como uma pena a acariciar a tua pele... Deixar-te quase como vieste ao mundo, sem medos, vergonhas, sem hesitação ou timidez.

Vejo como estremeces levemente e imediatamente aquele sorriso com requintes de malvadez que tão bem conheces apodera-se de mim enquanto te encaminho para a poltrona. Observas  impávido e sereno, reagindo apenas quando me debruço sobre ti apoiada nos braços da poltrona e te roubo um beijo com tantas palavras e desejos por expressar. 

É nesse momento que te sinto puxar-me mais para ti e as tuas mãos a repousar no fundo das minhas costas de inicio e depois a viajar suavemente para as minhas nádegas.

Deixo-me permanecer deste modo por uns momentos, ondulando o meu corpo contra o teu enquanto os beijos ficam mais profundos, mais intensos, os olhos mais brilhantes, as respirações mais aceleradas e a luxúria começa a apoderar-se de nós.

Afasto-me lentamente nunca perdendo os teus olhos dos meus e o sorriso maroto vem aos meus lábios novamente.  Sento-me na pequena mesa mesmo em frente a ti e deixo que uma melodia encha a sala, fecho os olhos e mexo-me lentamente ao ritmo de cada batida. Ouve-se Tito &Tarantula e a sua “After Dark” envolve-me, conduz o meu corpo enquanto me movimento  para ti, levantando o delicado vestido sobre a minha cabeça até sobrar apenas a lingerie preta rendada, as meias e os sapatos de verniz preto brilhante.

 

Componho a liga como que em câmara lenta, passo as mãos pelo comprimento da minha perna antes de me erguer e continuar com o lento balançar encantado pela guitarra que soa no fundo. Não te olho, mas sinto o teu olhar queimar na minha pele, a seguir os movimentos das minhas mãos que percorrem o meu corpo enrubescido, a seguir o movimento da minha anca enquanto rodo sobre mim mesma até ficar de costas para ti. 

Sinto-te perto, sei que não demoras a vir colocar os teus braços e mãos no corpo que grita por ti, puxas-me contra ti e empino o rabo contra o teu sexo que sinto já orgulhoso assente contra o meu rabo. Sinto-te beijar o meu pescoço, provocas-me com a ponta da tua língua e mordes como sabes que gosto e o gemido que solto pede por mais. Não paras mas passas para o lóbulo do meu ouvido e o meu corpo arqueia-se contra o teu enquanto te sinto brincar com o elástico da pequena tanga até rebentá-lo desnudando o meu sexo e a doce tortura na minha orelha a deixar-me ofegante. Sabes exactamente que botões pressionar em mim. 

Afasto-me de ti, pego na tua mão e começo a conduzir-te para o quarto. Olho-te por cima do ombro, sorrio para ti e mordo o lábio quando vejo nos teus olhos que me desejas tanto como te desejo. 

“Quero-te...” 

Não são necessárias mais palavras.

Khira Chronicles - The redemption of Eleannor

"Mother?!"

Mixed feelings built inside of Khira for having her mother standing right in front of her after such a long search.
She slowly took in her wounds, the emaciated look on her skin showing just how little she had fed for some time, weeks or maybe even months. She watched how Frederick gravitated around her in a protective stance and how much his expression still showed the love he had for her.
She opened her lips to say something and all that came out was a hoarse voice adding to Khira's suspicion of her mother being underfed.

"Eleannor, you should not try to speak just now. First you need to feed and rest, then there will be time for you girls to discuss whatever needs to be discussed." said Frederick while almost giving in to caress Eleannor hair falling down her shoulders.

Khira was lost for words, she felt anger for the woman who had casted her out and still all she wanted was to hold her and make whoever wounded her so severely pay for every scratch.

"Who did this?" she was able to ask while trying to collect herself from giving in to the sanguinary impulses that gave her the name she hated to be called.

Frederick hesitated and stared from Morgan to Eleannor as if looking for guidance. He was clearly nervous about whatever he was going to say and the anger inside Khira only stirred even more.

"Who?" She spoke with a growling tone added to her voice, unable to hide the animalistic urges and violence creeping into her blood every time her eyes headed on her mothers injuries direction. "Do not tempt me, I am not called the Sculptress for no reason..."

Eleannor cringed and mumbled the last word she had been waiting to hear "Mutts".

Morgan laughed loudly causing every one in that room to stare at her and started pacing in front of the door with a very sarcastic grin on face.

"So the mighty Eleannor Kiergarten, ruler of the pure casts of vampire and leader of the Elder council was trapped and defeated by wolves?" Morgan laughed one more time leaving them all confused. "That means war, daddy Fred... You know it means war."

"Morgan, it means retaliation not war. Calm down your hatred and blood thirst" Frederick said.

Khira growled and pressed her fangs together so hard it was hearable. She moved closer to Eleannor and kneeled at her feet before taking her pale hand into hers.

"Mother, I do not love you but in some way I do not hate you as well. I may never forgive you for giving me away and casting my out but not because of power, but because you refused me of being raised by you as my mother and giving me the love all children crave..." Her voice grew a bit hoarse, she licked her bleeding gums and continued. "But nevertheless, you are my mother and I will kill whoever did this to you."

Frederick moved in front of them with a concerned look on his face.

"You can't. Not now... Your mother is in enough danger as it is by being here. Queen Eunice will not like to know that official royalty is in her domain. Fragile as she is now Khira, she can't be left unattended and your blood is hers, it will work much faster than mine or Morgan's."

"Two days and I'll go hunt them down."
"I casted you out... to keep... you... safe... from the court. I promise I will explain... Thank you Khira, I do not deserve your vengeance or help. You are kind..."

"Not thanks to your guidance and teachings." Snarky Morgan spoke before leaving the room. "These people make me sick. I'll do all the hard work. " And with that she took off to find the warehouse where Eleannor had been trapped.

Bits and Pieces - A man who compels my strength

"I,
with a deeper instinct choose a man who compels my strength,
who makes enormous demands of me,
who does not doubt my courage or my toughness,
who does not believe me naive or innocent,
who has the courage to treat me like a woman."

Anais Nin

Bits and Pieces - Thoughts about Pablo Neruda (in PT)

Quem me conhece bem sabe que sou uma romântica incurável.
Apesar de ser uma mulher independente e do século XXI, que vejo a ideia da supremacia masculina como a mentira mais bem contada e disfarçada da história, não deixo de apreciar os gestos de romantismo "old school".
Todo o meu fascínio pelo "Drácula" de Bram Stoker passa um pouco por aí.
Gosto da ideia de ser seduzida, que me ofereçam flores, me levem a ver um pôr-do-sol, que me cantem ao ouvido ou sussurrem coisas bonitas, que me surpreendam com as coisas mais simples e banais mas que demonstram afecto e carinho.
Durona sim, mas não deixo de ser mulher mesmo que seja com a "sensibilidade de um calhau", expressão muito popular na minha boca desde que me lembro.

Talvez com a idade esteja a ficar mais "soft", dou por mim a mudar e onde estava a destemida Sofia às vezes encontro uma assustada Ana. Talvez por isso me sinta mais sensível do que era antes.
Mas esta intro toda porquê? Já vai fazer sentido.

Em conversa com uma amiga surgiu o tema "Pablo Neruda" e causou uma enorme surpresa o facto de eu nunca ter lido de forma aprofundada a obra deste senhor.
Tendo eu uma forte veia de romantismo gótico como é que era possível que assim fosse.
Na altura não respondi mas tentarei explicar agora.

O meu caro amigo Pablo fala de amor como eu percepciono o amor e lê-lo na fase mais "emo" da minha vida seria impensável. Vivia demasiado absorvida pelo meu próprio sofrimento e mágoa, quase como se fosse uma droga que me alimentava o espírito criativo de uma forma egoísta e egocêntrica.
Agora já consigo lê-lo e apreciar, deixar-me comover com as belas palavras que escreve.

Deixo convosco dois dos seus trabalhos o primeiro entitulado "Saudade" e o segundo "Quero-te Apenas Porque a Ti Eu Quero".

Espero que gostem e deixem-se levar pelo sentimento que ele expressa.

Saudade

Saudade é solidão acompanhada,
é quando o amor ainda não foi embora,
mas o amado já...

Saudade é amar um passado que ainda não passou,
é recusar um presente que nos machuca,
é não ver o futuro que nos convida...

Saudade é sentir que existe o que não existe mais...

Saudade é o inferno dos que perderam,
é a dor dos que ficaram para trás,
é o gosto de morte na boca dos que continuam...

Só uma pessoa no mundo deseja sentir saudade:
aquela que nunca amou.

E esse é o maior dos sofrimentos:
não ter por quem sentir saudades,
passar pela vida e não viver.

O maior dos sofrimentos é nunca ter sofrido.

Quero-te Apenas Porque a Ti Eu Quero

Não te quero senão porque te quero
e de querer-te a não querer-te chego
e de esperar-te quando não te espero
passa meu coração do frio ao fogo.

Quero-te apenas porque a ti eu quero,
a ti odeio sem fim e, odiando-te, te suplico,
e a medida do meu amor viajante
é não ver-te e amar-te como um cego.

Consumirá talvez a luz de Janeiro,
o seu raio cruel, meu coração inteiro,
roubando-me a chave do sossego.

Nesta história apenas eu morro
e morrerei de amor porque te quero,
porque te quero, amor, a sangue e fogo.

Bits and Pieces - Elements

Step by step I feel it creep inside my skin, shred my bones to ash as the righteous hammer of destiny. 

Hard, frozen, blown and burning, all at the same time consuming the pieces that try to hang on to my lost soul, the pieces that keep me trapped in a cruel vicious loop of fear and defeat.

I kneel with my knees buried in the soft earth. It holds me down and caresses me, soothes the scarred knees of the wounds inflicted by lost passions, dreams and desires.

The rain comes and carries away the stains of blood lingering in my emaciated skin, washes away all the disease and putrid remains of your lies and misdirections given to me in the maze that was my love for the idea of you.

I feel it now… I am so close now. I feel it brush my skin and drag my hair in its steady blow, so fresh and perfumed by the scents of a new world out there. The mix of sea breeze with green grass fields  and wet dirt. The perfume of freedom so close now, that it is almost palpable.

I see it now as it starts to consume me… I see them spread as they are lit by the warm flames… I smell burning pine and cinnamon, red is all I see now. 

The shell is falling, my limbs so light and gracious once again. 

I hear violins and the song they sing for me. A song of earth, water, wind and fire, my requiem…

I am reborn, I am free, my light burns brighter and warmer now as I spread my wings and fly into infinity with a wicked smile on my lips and bright eyes full of wonder for the things I had once forgot.