Thursday, February 9, 2012

Bits and Pieces - Thoughts on BDSM

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Bits and Pieces - Thoughts on BDSM

(Please note that by writing this post I am not assuming a position regarding the subject, all I intend is to share my findings, opinions and have an open mind about the subject. Apologies in advance if I fail to mention something correctly.)



This is a topic that I have been approaching in my stories on Longings and Loathings and what we may call a taboo.

It is only now, after a lot of investigation and long talks with fans of BDSM that I call it a lifestyle rather than some special fetish or kink. In the beginning, much like everyone that doesn't understand what it is really about, I tried to understand motivations, assumed that there must be some reason on their life or upbringing that lead to that tendency.

It was when I where on my MMORPG escapes a few months ago, that I came across with some other players that were/are fond of this kind of lifestyle. It was something that immediately spiked my curiosity and I needed to learn more about it.

First I looked for the basics, the meaning of BDSM, what is a slave, a pet, a switch, a Domme, a Master, Gorean relationships, a Sam, vanilla and so on.

(These notions will be added in the end of this post in case you are unfamiliar with the topic as I was).

The first big lesson that I learned was that even though that acronym is used as a category each of that letters can exist without the others or in different combinations. There are people that enjoy Bondage but are not Masochists or Dominants that are not Sadists.

Like the imaginative person I am, I had a lot of theories:

. Men that submit willingly must be men that seek refuge from their empowered lives and use it as an escape route.
.Women who impersonate a dominant persona do so as a way to break their housewives routine and their inability to deal with not having control over their own lives.
. Women have a natural tendency to submit as they have mostly done that throughout history.
. Men/Women who like masochism are turned on by it as a consequence of early age psychological damage or abusive childhoods.

These are some examples and after some "interviews" I came to the conclusion that I was wrong.
There may be in fact some people to whom my theories in fact are correct but for the majority of them it was not the case.

After I understood it a bit better, I started looking for examples in the most simple things on the daily routine of the people around me and labeling it with the names that our society is so afraid to use.

If you like rough sex with bites, nails digging into the skin and a little spank, my friend I must say you like pain, hence you are a masochist. If you like to do these things to others, you are a sadist.
If you like to push your partner on to the bed, against the wall, rip off their clothes and ravish him/her, or you enjoy having several women/men at your feet then you are dominant. If you follow every order that your husband/wife gives you even if it something that makes you uncomfortable, if you know he/she cheats on you and you remain playing houses, I am sorry to bring it to you but you are a submissive.
And finally if you enjoy feeling trapped, whether it is by the use of force or with some fluffy handcuffs that you can't get out of, well I guess you are into bondage.

Of course, these notions are not so simple as I write them above, these are examples that show that even though you peacefully live your "vanilla" life, there are practices and every day things that you do and even enjoy that can be classified as part of BDSM. Naturally all of these things can be done very softly or taken to the extreme.

Take for example the wedding rings, they are a sign of "ownership", they mean that you are connected to someone, that you have a commitment to someone. Isn't it the same purpose as the use of the collar? Once again, it is a matter or taking things to different levels of intensity.

I know that the idea of having people calling themselves slaves and Masters/Mistresses can be quite offending or even revolting after so many years of people protesting and fighting against slavery, but there is a huge difference here. These so-called slaves are slaves willingly so can we even compare? Also before engaging in any kind of activities both parts agree on limits. They decide how far they can go and agree in safe words to stop the "play" at anytime it becomes too much.

The conclusion I reached was that every people is free to do whatever they want to do as long as it doesn't interfere with the other's freedom. What goes on behind your bedroom doors it's your business alone but maybe, just maybe you shouldn't be too quick to judge or even point the finger at something you don't know well or understand.

These men and women are happy in their lives and feel complete to their most basics needs, whether it is by being tied up, spanked because they were "bad", because they feel in total control or even completely at someone's mercy. Whether it is a fetish or even an escape route from their lives, it is their own choice and you can continue to live your "vanilla" life in peace, no one will bother you without permission. If there is something that the BDSM community respects are limits. You decide where to stop and can always say no.

Let's face it, I was quick to assume a lot about something I knew nothing about.
Even though I am aware that I would never allow myself to be humiliated by a man or to submit to one, or even that I love to control whatever is around me.
I guess that makes me a bit dominant, but does it change the fact that I don't like to see mistreated or abused women/men? Does admitting that we have sides to us that are not politically correct or that are not morally accepted change the person you are?

No, it just makes you less of an hypocrite.

********************************

 BDSM is an erotic preference and a form of sexual expression involving the consensual use of restraint, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy power role play. The compound initialism BDSM is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D or B/D), dominance and submission (D&S or D/s), and sadism and masochism (S&M or S/M). BDSM includes a wide spectrum of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.

Activities and relationships within a BDSM context are characterized by the participants usually taking on complementary, but unequal roles, thus the idea of consent of both the partners becomes essential. Typically participants who are active – applying the activity or exercising control over others – are known as tops or dominants. Those participants who are recipients of the activities, or who are controlled by their partners are typically known as bottoms or submissives. Individuals who alternate between top/dominant and bottom/submissive roles — whether from relationship to relationship or within a given relationship — are known as switches.[1]


The Gorean philosophy is a philosophy espoused in the science fiction novels by John Norman. A number of fans of Norman's work have attempted to live their lives according to this philosophy[1][2]
The most conspicuous Gorean departure from mainstream modern norms is that Goreans promote sexual master-slave relationships. Some of this philosophy is concerned with "order of nature" and the relations between men and women, which may or may not take the form of a master-and-slave dynamic.

SAM- SAMs are masochists who don't know how to simply ask for what they want. Instead, they make a game of making people genuinely upset so that they will get punishedThey avoid tops who are phlegmatic and cool-tempered, and target the ones who are hot-blooded and short-tempered - on purpose. 

Vanilla - Vanilla sex (or conventional sex) is a description of what a culture regards as standard or conventional sexual behaviour. Different cultures, subcultures and individuals have different ideas about what constitutes this type of sex. Often, it is interpreted as sex which does not involve such elements as BDSMkink, or fetish activities.

Note: these definitions are not my own, they were redrawn from Wikipedia and notes about SAM's were redrawn from http://lauragoodwin.org/sam.htm. You can search the web for further information on this topic, information is easily found although some may be unadvisable.

Longings and Loathings - Chapter 8

Martha entered the dark room enveloped in her velvet dark cape, her mask was nicely secured over her eyes and she was feeling confident no one would ever recognize her or that anyone she knew would ever be in such a place. She felt her insides agitate a little to her last thought.






Honestly?
Who would ever in their perfect sense imagine good old Martha in there too? Appearances are so delusive.


She steadily walked to the cabinet where the numbers were placed and looked for the room key where her partner for the evening would be. The organization guaranteed a perfect match to each of the participants and she admitted to herself to be more than a little curious.


They also provided all the accessories required in closed boxes to assure the participants of the hygiene and clean policy they had. They also made sure that once you signed in before your membership was approved that you would deliver relevant blood work every six months.



She held her key between her fingers and followed the indications of the staff to where she would find the room. She recalled how she had decided to adventure herself into a secret club and how much she found that there was a meaner person inside of her, no just plain-jane Martha like everyone assumed when they looked at her.

She reached the door and entered the room. She was still alone and relief cursed through her body, she still had time to get to know the space and the imagine the possibilities before having a pair of eyes on her expecting her to know everything and control everything out of the blue. 

Experimentation is always required before one can reach perfection, she thought.

She entered the bathroom and removed her cape, leaving her in a leather body and high boots. The black lace mask remained on her face as well as her lace fingerless gloves. After a few moments she heard the door open and close, she took a deep breath and went to meet her slave for the night.

At the sound of her heels he snapped into position and knelt into a beautiful Nadu in front of her. His back perfectly straight with his stomach in, his palms were resting on top of his knees facing up, revealing that he was waiting. His eyes didn't leave the ground and she knew right there that he was a very well trained specimen. 

"Boy, you are going to obey my every wish. I do not wish to know your limits, you will have to rely on my better judgement. Understood?"
"Yes Mistress."

She moved around the room and pickup up a flogger. She moved intently to him and kissed his skin with her new found toy.

"Address me as Ma'am, I have not taken you as mine to have you address me as mistress. You are not worthy of being under my care."

"Yes Miss."

She took a moment to assess her character and moved to face the boy toy kneeling on the floor. She placed her fingers under his chin and raised his face towards her so she could get a good long look of what she had for the evening. She tried to recall the signals advised and gestured for him to move to the four pole bed and sit.

She went behind him trying to keep her composure and neatly tied his hands behind his back. After making sure the rope was secure, she guided him to lay back.

"Do you think you impress me with your Nadu and your silence? You are just another worthless wanker that wanders about." 

To this the pretty boy reacted by trying to move from the bed and leave, she moved to take hold of his sack and tightened her grip on it while ordering him.

"Down!" His body stiffened to her command and lowering his eyes again he laid back on the bed. She restrained his feet on the bed poles and moved to get some clamps. "You are going anywhere. Now shall we see how you react to pain?" She saw him attempting to control himself, trying to stay as still as possible.

"Poor you... scared now?" She held up a leather string so that he could see and began to tie his balls shortly after. She tied them tight, placing each testi apart. He was in pain, she could tell and the fact that he seemed to calm only roused her more to test his boundaries. She placed each clamp on the length of his member, stretching the skin on both sides. Once she was satisfied with the visual effect, she climbed on the bed and sat on his face. "Eat me boy."

He used his tongue with skill and technique. It was clear to her that he was used to these scenarios and that he had been very well trained. After a few moments her mind stopped rambling and all she felt was his lips and tongue building up to her orgasm.

After she was fully satisfied, she climbed down and kissed his lips feeling her own taste on his skin. She removed the clamps from the now fully hard member and released his hands. She sat down on nearby chair and ordered him to tease himself and climax. From there she watched as he enjoyed the feel of her eyes on him, the feel of his hand stroking the twitching member.

Before he was finished recovering from the spams of his body, she put on her cape and left the room leaving him wide eyed watching her leave without a word. As the door closed behind her, she heard is shaky voice.

"Thank you Miss."

On her way home she reflected on the night. Sure she had her pleasure but she did not have fun as she expected. He was a fine man, sexy and good looking but he was too tame for her. He did not struggle as she wanted, she did not have the chance to show him her superiority as he did not put up a fight. 

She looked at the club's card one more time and tossed it into the fireplace where the flames devilishly were eating away the wood. It was not what she expected. She took a hot bath and was preparing to sleep as the phone ringed.

"Hello?"
"Ms Travis, this is Ryan from the office. I wonder if I could stop by and give you the prints you requested earlier."
"I'm sure it can wait for tomorrow Ryan."
"But you told me to get them ready as soon as possible. I haven't even gone home yet to have them ready."
"Be careful with that tone, boy..." 
"I will be there to deliver your stupid prints in 10 minutes." Then he hang up.

"That brat!" She tried to calm down from his insolence, considering to just fire him for the behavior.
She looked at the burning flames for a moment in silence and an idea dawned on her. A wicked smile crept to her lips as the door bell rang.

"Martha, Martha... You wanted a rebel, I guess I get to have my wish for the evening after all..." She said to herself as she moved like a feline to the door, already imagining the feel of leather rubbing against her as she rode him.