Thursday, February 9, 2012

Bits and Pieces - Thoughts on BDSM

(Please note that by writing this post I am not assuming a position regarding the subject, all I intend is to share my findings, opinions and have an open mind about the subject. Apologies in advance if I fail to mention something correctly.)



This is a topic that I have been approaching in my stories on Longings and Loathings and what we may call a taboo.

It is only now, after a lot of investigation and long talks with fans of BDSM that I call it a lifestyle rather than some special fetish or kink. In the beginning, much like everyone that doesn't understand what it is really about, I tried to understand motivations, assumed that there must be some reason on their life or upbringing that lead to that tendency.

It was when I where on my MMORPG escapes a few months ago, that I came across with some other players that were/are fond of this kind of lifestyle. It was something that immediately spiked my curiosity and I needed to learn more about it.

First I looked for the basics, the meaning of BDSM, what is a slave, a pet, a switch, a Domme, a Master, Gorean relationships, a Sam, vanilla and so on.

(These notions will be added in the end of this post in case you are unfamiliar with the topic as I was).

The first big lesson that I learned was that even though that acronym is used as a category each of that letters can exist without the others or in different combinations. There are people that enjoy Bondage but are not Masochists or Dominants that are not Sadists.

Like the imaginative person I am, I had a lot of theories:

. Men that submit willingly must be men that seek refuge from their empowered lives and use it as an escape route.
.Women who impersonate a dominant persona do so as a way to break their housewives routine and their inability to deal with not having control over their own lives.
. Women have a natural tendency to submit as they have mostly done that throughout history.
. Men/Women who like masochism are turned on by it as a consequence of early age psychological damage or abusive childhoods.

These are some examples and after some "interviews" I came to the conclusion that I was wrong.
There may be in fact some people to whom my theories in fact are correct but for the majority of them it was not the case.

After I understood it a bit better, I started looking for examples in the most simple things on the daily routine of the people around me and labeling it with the names that our society is so afraid to use.

If you like rough sex with bites, nails digging into the skin and a little spank, my friend I must say you like pain, hence you are a masochist. If you like to do these things to others, you are a sadist.
If you like to push your partner on to the bed, against the wall, rip off their clothes and ravish him/her, or you enjoy having several women/men at your feet then you are dominant. If you follow every order that your husband/wife gives you even if it something that makes you uncomfortable, if you know he/she cheats on you and you remain playing houses, I am sorry to bring it to you but you are a submissive.
And finally if you enjoy feeling trapped, whether it is by the use of force or with some fluffy handcuffs that you can't get out of, well I guess you are into bondage.

Of course, these notions are not so simple as I write them above, these are examples that show that even though you peacefully live your "vanilla" life, there are practices and every day things that you do and even enjoy that can be classified as part of BDSM. Naturally all of these things can be done very softly or taken to the extreme.

Take for example the wedding rings, they are a sign of "ownership", they mean that you are connected to someone, that you have a commitment to someone. Isn't it the same purpose as the use of the collar? Once again, it is a matter or taking things to different levels of intensity.

I know that the idea of having people calling themselves slaves and Masters/Mistresses can be quite offending or even revolting after so many years of people protesting and fighting against slavery, but there is a huge difference here. These so-called slaves are slaves willingly so can we even compare? Also before engaging in any kind of activities both parts agree on limits. They decide how far they can go and agree in safe words to stop the "play" at anytime it becomes too much.

The conclusion I reached was that every people is free to do whatever they want to do as long as it doesn't interfere with the other's freedom. What goes on behind your bedroom doors it's your business alone but maybe, just maybe you shouldn't be too quick to judge or even point the finger at something you don't know well or understand.

These men and women are happy in their lives and feel complete to their most basics needs, whether it is by being tied up, spanked because they were "bad", because they feel in total control or even completely at someone's mercy. Whether it is a fetish or even an escape route from their lives, it is their own choice and you can continue to live your "vanilla" life in peace, no one will bother you without permission. If there is something that the BDSM community respects are limits. You decide where to stop and can always say no.

Let's face it, I was quick to assume a lot about something I knew nothing about.
Even though I am aware that I would never allow myself to be humiliated by a man or to submit to one, or even that I love to control whatever is around me.
I guess that makes me a bit dominant, but does it change the fact that I don't like to see mistreated or abused women/men? Does admitting that we have sides to us that are not politically correct or that are not morally accepted change the person you are?

No, it just makes you less of an hypocrite.

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 BDSM is an erotic preference and a form of sexual expression involving the consensual use of restraint, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy power role play. The compound initialism BDSM is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D or B/D), dominance and submission (D&S or D/s), and sadism and masochism (S&M or S/M). BDSM includes a wide spectrum of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.

Activities and relationships within a BDSM context are characterized by the participants usually taking on complementary, but unequal roles, thus the idea of consent of both the partners becomes essential. Typically participants who are active – applying the activity or exercising control over others – are known as tops or dominants. Those participants who are recipients of the activities, or who are controlled by their partners are typically known as bottoms or submissives. Individuals who alternate between top/dominant and bottom/submissive roles — whether from relationship to relationship or within a given relationship — are known as switches.[1]


The Gorean philosophy is a philosophy espoused in the science fiction novels by John Norman. A number of fans of Norman's work have attempted to live their lives according to this philosophy[1][2]
The most conspicuous Gorean departure from mainstream modern norms is that Goreans promote sexual master-slave relationships. Some of this philosophy is concerned with "order of nature" and the relations between men and women, which may or may not take the form of a master-and-slave dynamic.

SAM- SAMs are masochists who don't know how to simply ask for what they want. Instead, they make a game of making people genuinely upset so that they will get punishedThey avoid tops who are phlegmatic and cool-tempered, and target the ones who are hot-blooded and short-tempered - on purpose. 

Vanilla - Vanilla sex (or conventional sex) is a description of what a culture regards as standard or conventional sexual behaviour. Different cultures, subcultures and individuals have different ideas about what constitutes this type of sex. Often, it is interpreted as sex which does not involve such elements as BDSMkink, or fetish activities.

Note: these definitions are not my own, they were redrawn from Wikipedia and notes about SAM's were redrawn from http://lauragoodwin.org/sam.htm. You can search the web for further information on this topic, information is easily found although some may be unadvisable.

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