Like my favorite band says "The hardest part of ending is starting again", so most of people engage on what I like to call a false restart a.k.a. rebound.
There are a lot of situations that can lead to a rebound but the most relevant one is that you really had true feelings for your previous partner/ boyfriend/husband, and you left or were made to leave with some sort of damage, whether it is loss, hurt, low self-esteem, self-hate, numbness, a total abandonment of the thought of ever loving someone again or considering the possibility of someone loving you back without eventually leading to the situation you are when at the end of a relationship.
Attention, not all people go through the rebound process, I am aware of that. Some people are actually able to "fix" themselves without a "cane". I say good for them and it only makes them better than the rest and namely me. Oh yes, I'm a rebounder in recovery, just like an ex-addict... we'll get to there.
There are different kinds of rebounds but I can only comment and give my opinion from a woman's perspective and from shared female knowledge. The men will have to forgive me but I've never encountered one that even admitted that he was rebounding or willing to talk about it (What? Me? No woman brings me down... I'm totally over her... Her loss...)
Let's see some of the rebounds:
1) "Multiple one night stands"
The most common type of rebound that happens commonly in nightclubs.
You go have a few drinks to release our inhibitions, relax and when the bad memories start flooding back, you find your mission : Have sex until you forget your name and without someone you don't want to know the name.
The end result: this can have a lot of consequences, especially because we still live in a society where if men fuck all that moves they are "The MAN", a true playboy and so on, but if you are a woman doing that the word that comes to all minds isn't to appreciate her skills as a seductress, the word is as you already know - whore.
You don't care about your reputation, that's fine, but consider diseases and the dangers you put yourself in for leaving a club with someone you don't know. It may be a killer, a rapist or whatever, what you need to consider is - Is that really going to work for you? Are you going to feel any better by waking up in the bed of some stranger that you intend to never see again?
2) "Revenge Date"
This is what I call the next type of rebound. I called it a date because I don't think we can classify it as a relationship.
You are hurt and you want to hurt someone like you were hurt, so you find that guy that you don't particularly like but is kind of o.k. and you punish that poor bastard for everything you put up with on your previous relationship. He so much as breathe and you fall on him like a hammer of justice. You feel your stress and frustration leave you temporarily and the guy just suffers.
The end result: Unless you choose a masochist or someone with little self love, you are going to get dumped again, because no one is going to put up with that since the beginning, even if they have true feelings for you. Another consequence of this one is the fact that you are the villain, you are becoming the same thing that destroyed you in the first place and you are hurting someone who has no fault of what happened to you and you may be ruining your future chance to have another shot at love.
3) "Fuck buddies style" & 4) "Friends with benefits style"
These are the most complex for me and the most dangerous types of rebounds.
So you have that male/female friend that you have no feelings about but he/she is willing to get down and dirty, so you engage in an agreement that all you will exchange is bodily fluids, no obligations, no strings attached just pure sex. So here is where you draw the borderline on the transition to "FWB".
Until here it's just sex, you finish it, you leave.
The end result: There is no talk, except for the dirty one, no tenderness, nothing. Empty and meaningless sex - which is why eventually you will stop, grow bored because it isn't enough or progress to the next stage.
FWB unlike FB has content. You discuss your day, you have a higher level of intimacy, you might even spend the night and find yourself in a cuddle. You don't lie to one another or pretend to be ok because you don't have to. For me, it's a relationship without calling it that.
The end result: The proximity to an actual relationship makes it easier for you to get involved, even if it is not mutual. When that happens, the whole purpose of the arrangement falls to the ground and you get hurt once again. Instead of helping you heal, it ends up making it worse and that is why I find this type of rebound the most cruel and dangerous one. Eventually someone is going to get hurt and you will lose a friend on top of that.
4) "The dive"
This one is my personal favorite. You have barely licked your wounds but you force yourself to find someone new and start over again because you hate to be alone and don't want to be alone. So you find a nice guy, that will have his flaws and may not be that compatible with you but you choose to overlook it and invest in a full on relationship. You hope that with time you will forget the other guy because the new one is so nice.
The end result: Well, one day you will wake up and realize that you have made a big mistake by letting it drag for a long time. He gave you what you needed and now you are finally ready to move on. The worse part is there is no way to predict when it is going to hit you, if it is after a few months, after you're engaged, married or with kids which can be very complicated and stressful.
There is a reason for that saying that goes like "Never marry your rebound guy", because one day you may wake up and think "Oh shit".
The conclusion is that eventually rebounds end up bringing more bad things upon your hurting heart, ego and self-esteem, than good but when it works it makes you feel good and more empowered and eventually happier. I focused on the negative because it is the part we never think about when starting a rebound relationship but also something we should have always in mind too. You have to be able to decide and consider if it is really worth it or not.
Here is a suggestion, the "Me, myself and I" rebound. Take some time away and be alone to think what went wrong and to rebuild yourself, piece by piece. It won't be as easy as screwing your feelings back into submission but it will have the best effect long term.
Feel free to hit the comments box with your opinions.
(It's great to be back!) xoxo Sofia
